Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
time to smoke my breakfast
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
