I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
