just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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