Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
