I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
