did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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