I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
