Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
