Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
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he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
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