mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Come share oat with me in your robe
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
