you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
