How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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