I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
