i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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