I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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