THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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