Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
