I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
