I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
