This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
