Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Sorry my hands just texted you
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
