if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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