oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
nutella sex= disaster
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
