Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday