do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken