dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
