i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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