Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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