I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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