I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
