he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
