Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
