My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
