Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
