So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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