that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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