Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
