i love accidental penises.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
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he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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