Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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