like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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