The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
