I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
