Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize