Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
