have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
