Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I can't trust your balls anymore.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
