The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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