Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
