sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
