Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
