He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
