i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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