If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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