I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
