Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
