then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
