I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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