dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
