A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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