If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The Olympian is in my bed
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
